Momentum is your / my best friend. I have found that in this brief (relatively) time I have been dealing with this whole discipline problem that in the moments when I do make progress that if I can ride that momentum I can parlay that into more success with my problem of being undiscipliness. (Is that a word)?
Hopefully you understand what I am saying. Success builds on success when it comes to this and many other things in life. I determine in my mind to take my walk today and for a period of time after I have successfully accomplished that task my mind believes I am disciplined and will function in a manner closer to that of a disciplined person.
Sorry I am using the "discipline" word so much but it is the word that works best or I would change it. I will just acknowledge it right now so you won't think I am a more horrible writer than I am and tell you I know I am using the D word a lot.
Now that I am aware the momentum can build on momentum I am going to try to leverage that and see just what I can do. I am starting to believe this whole problem I have with accomplishment is between my ears which ironically I tell my kids on a regular basis so there is the proof again that I am deceiving myself once again to cover up my perceived weakness rather than deal with it directly. How weird is that. Again I fool myself with a lie so I don't have to feel bad about a weakness that really doesn't exist except in my mind. OMG, this is trippy.
Hummm, "trippy" haven't used that word in a while. May be dating myself a bit as those of you under 30 and definitely those under 20 probably have never heard a person use that word in a sentence. Maybe I will try to use momentum to discipline myself not to use the word trippy again!
Finding a way to free myself without beating myself into submission has become one of the tenants of this quest that has developed over the last two posts here. I am not interested in torture but I know at the same time it may be necessary for a certain amount of discomfort to be in my life if I am ever going to accomplish anything worthy of note. It would seem that it has been a part of those that have accomplished the most.
There is an element of flow that certainly plays a part in this drama but then there is also the part that says for the flow to begin I have to turn the faucet on. Something has to be first mover when we are discussing accomplishment on the physical plane. My parents we above all else ones that were always in motion but there was always a goal in mind and this is part of what distinguishes me from them. I work hard but sometimes it is as not working. Does that make sense? I hard work at not working.
How sad, I mean if I am going to work at least there should be some purpose and some beneficial outcome that I am going for. I mentioned in another post that I work well when others are around me holding me accountable or when they are looking to me for leadership. The latter is what I like the most because I get the benefit of being held accountable in my mind since others are looking to me for results but at the same time I am the one calling the shots.
This blog and in particular topic has become such a epiphany for me with regard to my motivations in general and my intention is to turn that knowledge that has been hidden from me, probably because I didn't want to deal with it.
Think about it, here is the recap. I get angry with others for being undisciplined because I am angry with myself for being undisciplined. I do busy work to avoid work which makes me feel even more worthless because I am accomplishing nothing and since I am not accomplishing anything I feel undisciplined I feel I have to do something, anything (busywork) to make up for and hide my real habits that I want no one to know about and since I have done it so long I have learned to believe my own lies. Man talk about twisted sh*t!
There is an element of flow that certainly plays a part in this drama but then there is also the part that says for the flow to begin I have to turn the faucet on. Something has to be first mover when we are discussing accomplishment on the physical plane. My parents we above all else ones that were always in motion but there was always a goal in mind and this is part of what distinguishes me from them. I work hard but sometimes it is as not working. Does that make sense? I hard work at not working.
How sad, I mean if I am going to work at least there should be some purpose and some beneficial outcome that I am going for. I mentioned in another post that I work well when others are around me holding me accountable or when they are looking to me for leadership. The latter is what I like the most because I get the benefit of being held accountable in my mind since others are looking to me for results but at the same time I am the one calling the shots.
This blog and in particular topic has become such a epiphany for me with regard to my motivations in general and my intention is to turn that knowledge that has been hidden from me, probably because I didn't want to deal with it.
Think about it, here is the recap. I get angry with others for being undisciplined because I am angry with myself for being undisciplined. I do busy work to avoid work which makes me feel even more worthless because I am accomplishing nothing and since I am not accomplishing anything I feel undisciplined I feel I have to do something, anything (busywork) to make up for and hide my real habits that I want no one to know about and since I have done it so long I have learned to believe my own lies. Man talk about twisted sh*t!
OMG, this is hard. In the last post I talked about dicpline and I have been thinking about this and taking actions steps to make a difference in my life. I have come to believe this is the one key that could totally change me for the better for ever. It bleeds over into every area of my life from physical to social to financial to spiritual so if I am able to be diciplined I would better be able to plan my life and in turn direct my life if I become a diciplined participatant.
To start with I have been trying to take a 30 minute walk everyday with my German shephard, Ali, and I have been so far successful on 4 of 7 days. Hello! Reality check! I need to be better about this and I know I can. I have been before but as with anything it is the initial hump and it is that initial hump that if I can get good at I can hump my way through life from one success to the next.
What if I learned how to get rid of that initial hump? Would that be great or what? I mean just totally eliminate it. If I could perfect a way to rid a person of the hump so they could go from decision straight to the enjoyment of what they decided they wanted to do or be in their life.
I am not suer how I can do this but I do think I can. I can see myself developing a program for others to use that really works for most people. I totally fit into working on this sort of program that would help people and sets them free cause I want to be set free myself. I am going to continue to think about all this and I will post as the thoughts and actions keep evolving.
To start with I have been trying to take a 30 minute walk everyday with my German shephard, Ali, and I have been so far successful on 4 of 7 days. Hello! Reality check! I need to be better about this and I know I can. I have been before but as with anything it is the initial hump and it is that initial hump that if I can get good at I can hump my way through life from one success to the next.
What if I learned how to get rid of that initial hump? Would that be great or what? I mean just totally eliminate it. If I could perfect a way to rid a person of the hump so they could go from decision straight to the enjoyment of what they decided they wanted to do or be in their life.
I am not suer how I can do this but I do think I can. I can see myself developing a program for others to use that really works for most people. I totally fit into working on this sort of program that would help people and sets them free cause I want to be set free myself. I am going to continue to think about all this and I will post as the thoughts and actions keep evolving.
Wow, it came as quite a revelation recently when I discovered that I have a hard time with discipline. I spend a lot of time doing nothing and for that reason I get very little done. It appears that I am doing things but in fact I am not. Just busy work kind of stuff not real productive stuff.
There have been several times in my life when I was very productive and to the best of my ability the common thread is that I was being held accountable by someone else so I have come to the conclusion that discipline is the issue. I can work and produce but in terms of being motivated to be productive when no one is watching, I turn in to a undisciplined slug that spends days and days doing nothing while looking busy.
This is actually quite hard for me to admit as I pride myself on my hard work and I do work hard. I know how to work hard and I know what it takes but in terms of getting myself to do it, that is a complete different story. In a post a few days ago about delusion I talked about what really is going on when a person is angry. One of my hot buttons is laziness and now I understand why. I get so angry with another person's laziness because I hate it in myself. It is my own laziness that I am being reminded of when I see it in another and I am mad because that is an area of my life where I have displayed no strength so I am pissed.
I think it is time to develop that muscle and figure out how to be disciplined. I struggle with all things that require discipline and my life would be so much easier if I just had this under control. I gotta think about this for a bit and maybe we will have another post later.
There have been several times in my life when I was very productive and to the best of my ability the common thread is that I was being held accountable by someone else so I have come to the conclusion that discipline is the issue. I can work and produce but in terms of being motivated to be productive when no one is watching, I turn in to a undisciplined slug that spends days and days doing nothing while looking busy.
This is actually quite hard for me to admit as I pride myself on my hard work and I do work hard. I know how to work hard and I know what it takes but in terms of getting myself to do it, that is a complete different story. In a post a few days ago about delusion I talked about what really is going on when a person is angry. One of my hot buttons is laziness and now I understand why. I get so angry with another person's laziness because I hate it in myself. It is my own laziness that I am being reminded of when I see it in another and I am mad because that is an area of my life where I have displayed no strength so I am pissed.
I think it is time to develop that muscle and figure out how to be disciplined. I struggle with all things that require discipline and my life would be so much easier if I just had this under control. I gotta think about this for a bit and maybe we will have another post later.
Currently one of the biggest challenges in my life is to get my kids out the door in the morning to go to school, I am having to constantly stay on them to be on time or at least in my mind I think that I do for fear that they will be late. I wonder if I am really doing any good and if I am making any difference in the time factor by all my ranting and raving.
I am doing an experiment this morning to see what would really happen if I don't say a word and let them do what they will. This experiment is not truly scientific since there are more than one factor at play but we are going to pretend that it is. So I have set them in motion by getting them up and telling them of my grand plan.
Update: well so far my son is working on the plan and my daughter is acting as if nothing has changed in her life. I take that as she is not taking me seriously but my take on it may have something to do with my control issues and less to do with what is really going on. I do tend to filter their activity through a lens that says unless they obey me they are disrespecting me. Humm, that is probably messed up don't you think? Sounds like more material for a post to me.
Well, it is 2 minutes until the official ready time for school and the kids are definitely behind but the truth is we have been behind before and still made it to school on time. In fact we still have about 20 minutes until the absolutely "we can't make it now" time.
Fifteen minutes later: well, they did make it, a bit behind and with moms help a little they got out the door 15 minutes late from home but in time to make it to school on time (they walk) so in my mind the experiment was a success. Now I have to start training that this is normal and then I can pass this duty on to my offspring and I will be one step closer to their and my independence.
I am doing an experiment this morning to see what would really happen if I don't say a word and let them do what they will. This experiment is not truly scientific since there are more than one factor at play but we are going to pretend that it is. So I have set them in motion by getting them up and telling them of my grand plan.
Update: well so far my son is working on the plan and my daughter is acting as if nothing has changed in her life. I take that as she is not taking me seriously but my take on it may have something to do with my control issues and less to do with what is really going on. I do tend to filter their activity through a lens that says unless they obey me they are disrespecting me. Humm, that is probably messed up don't you think? Sounds like more material for a post to me.
Well, it is 2 minutes until the official ready time for school and the kids are definitely behind but the truth is we have been behind before and still made it to school on time. In fact we still have about 20 minutes until the absolutely "we can't make it now" time.
Fifteen minutes later: well, they did make it, a bit behind and with moms help a little they got out the door 15 minutes late from home but in time to make it to school on time (they walk) so in my mind the experiment was a success. Now I have to start training that this is normal and then I can pass this duty on to my offspring and I will be one step closer to their and my independence.
There seems to be situations in every family when the drama just piles up to the point that it seems overwhelming. The bigger the family the bigger the chance there is for drama to manifest itself and cause problems. First of all families by definition seem to be neurotic and that coupled with the decisions that have to be made by someone when faced with crisis big or small spell a prescription for problems.
This one feels slighted by the decision that someone has made and maybe another feels that they are saddled with an undue amount of the burden and I could go on and on with potential for misunderstanding and for a problem. It is rare to find families that are not in some way or another affected by this part of life.
Now, what can we do to avoid or stop or at least slow down the drama in any family? Well there are several approaches. The one that I have taken is to stay away from the extended family as much as possible. This works quite well if you are willing to take the heat and stand up to the parts of the family that you do stay in contact with. This I can assure you, there will be heat. It is one thing to avoid certain family members so that you don't have to deal with them but those that are still caught in this web out of obligation will want to drag you back into it. You know that misery loves company even when it comes to families that are having problems.
Now there is another completely different approach that some would say is your duty. "After all we are family" is the battle cry of those that think it is your duty to stay there since you are blood and put up and support these insane people. This is of course not the only two directions or paths that are available but they seem to be the most frequently+- seen. Personally if I choose to take my life in a certain direction and that doesn't include some of my family because they are acting or behaving in such a way as to hinder me then I believe it is my right to exclude them from inclusion.
This one feels slighted by the decision that someone has made and maybe another feels that they are saddled with an undue amount of the burden and I could go on and on with potential for misunderstanding and for a problem. It is rare to find families that are not in some way or another affected by this part of life.
Now, what can we do to avoid or stop or at least slow down the drama in any family? Well there are several approaches. The one that I have taken is to stay away from the extended family as much as possible. This works quite well if you are willing to take the heat and stand up to the parts of the family that you do stay in contact with. This I can assure you, there will be heat. It is one thing to avoid certain family members so that you don't have to deal with them but those that are still caught in this web out of obligation will want to drag you back into it. You know that misery loves company even when it comes to families that are having problems.
Now there is another completely different approach that some would say is your duty. "After all we are family" is the battle cry of those that think it is your duty to stay there since you are blood and put up and support these insane people. This is of course not the only two directions or paths that are available but they seem to be the most frequently+- seen. Personally if I choose to take my life in a certain direction and that doesn't include some of my family because they are acting or behaving in such a way as to hinder me then I believe it is my right to exclude them from inclusion.
Have you ever thought what gives you a head ache? I mean really? If you had to describe in detail why, in your opinion why you have a head ache what would you say? I know for me I think I have it nailed down. Of course that is true of a lot of things I think I know what is going on when really I haven't got a clue or at least that is what my family tells me.
sorry, back to the head aches. I get them from the stress and tension of daily living. Now here is how it relates to delusions. I was reading an interesting concept recently about how when we are upset we are not upset for the reasons that we think. For instance, if we are upset with the kids for not doing their chores what we really might be upset about is because they remind us of how undisciplined we are in our own life. Take that and chew on it for a while.
Another instance is say your boss got angry a with you and really came down on you, think what he really may have been angry about. It is really way easier to do with someone else and not so easy with your self but that is true with most things in life.
I have been testing this theory for about 3 days now and it really seems true. Hardly ever does it seem that I am angry for the reason that I think I am at least at first. Kinda weird really when you think about it, going through my life being so deluded. It also makes me wonder what else I am deluded about. What else do I do that is a total farce?
One more thing I have been thinking about this concept is how do I teach my children how not to fool themselves if I can't even do it myself. Kinda hard to teach others to have good mental health when I am mentally ill myself.
sorry, back to the head aches. I get them from the stress and tension of daily living. Now here is how it relates to delusions. I was reading an interesting concept recently about how when we are upset we are not upset for the reasons that we think. For instance, if we are upset with the kids for not doing their chores what we really might be upset about is because they remind us of how undisciplined we are in our own life. Take that and chew on it for a while.
Another instance is say your boss got angry a with you and really came down on you, think what he really may have been angry about. It is really way easier to do with someone else and not so easy with your self but that is true with most things in life.
I have been testing this theory for about 3 days now and it really seems true. Hardly ever does it seem that I am angry for the reason that I think I am at least at first. Kinda weird really when you think about it, going through my life being so deluded. It also makes me wonder what else I am deluded about. What else do I do that is a total farce?
One more thing I have been thinking about this concept is how do I teach my children how not to fool themselves if I can't even do it myself. Kinda hard to teach others to have good mental health when I am mentally ill myself.
The older I get the more I feel entitled to more and more time for me. I want the days that I have left on this earth to be the richest possible and at least for now that includes some time for me to do the things I want to do. Now don't get me wrong I spend plenty of time taking care of everybody else's wants and desires but sometimes I just want some quiet time for me to sit and think and not have to deal with my family and my friends and the wants and desires of others.
Just in case you were wondering what that would mean to me I thought I would spell it out for you in some sort of detail so you if you ever get a wild hair to grant a wish for me you will know exactly what would make me happy. One more precaution before I get flooded with people telling me how selfish you have to make sure you know that the needs or wants I have are not that great and like I just said you would be amazed at the number of things that I do for other people. But I suppose that is tooting my own horn and I don't want to come across as both egotistical and self centered so enough about that.
To start with the real desire of my heart is to be at peace. Have you ever had a moment when you were completely at peace? Well, that is what I am looking for. Those times on the beach when all the world is millions of miles away and for the life of you, you can't remember why you were so stressed out yesterday or the day before for that reason.
I want to live that way and for some reason it keeps alluding me. I keep blaming it on my busy life but it may just be me that has it all wrong. You have heard those that say you can be peaceful no matter what you are doing so I probably need to learn to get that beach feeling while I am doing laundry and fixing dinner or for that matter doing the dishes.
Just in case you were wondering what that would mean to me I thought I would spell it out for you in some sort of detail so you if you ever get a wild hair to grant a wish for me you will know exactly what would make me happy. One more precaution before I get flooded with people telling me how selfish you have to make sure you know that the needs or wants I have are not that great and like I just said you would be amazed at the number of things that I do for other people. But I suppose that is tooting my own horn and I don't want to come across as both egotistical and self centered so enough about that.
To start with the real desire of my heart is to be at peace. Have you ever had a moment when you were completely at peace? Well, that is what I am looking for. Those times on the beach when all the world is millions of miles away and for the life of you, you can't remember why you were so stressed out yesterday or the day before for that reason.
I want to live that way and for some reason it keeps alluding me. I keep blaming it on my busy life but it may just be me that has it all wrong. You have heard those that say you can be peaceful no matter what you are doing so I probably need to learn to get that beach feeling while I am doing laundry and fixing dinner or for that matter doing the dishes.
Since this blog is fairly new I am sure most of you that don't know me personally didn't know that I am working from home these days and that it has totally changed my life. I just walked into the door after my very seldom trip outside the house and I announced that that commute is killing me with great sarcasm in my voice. I was gone for all of about ten minutes including what I went outside the house to do.
Did I ever tell you that I hate to go almost anywhere unless of course it is for me IE: entertainment, beautification or some other thing just so I can enjoy it. This working from home thing has been going on for about two years ever since I left my last employer over some abusive stuff. Topic for another blog. Suffice it to say that you have more rights than you know and you need to be aware of them or you will be walked on by those that would exploit your ignorance. Please don't get me going on this topic or we may be here all day.
I now spend my days tending to myself, my house, my kids and my husband, not necessarily in that order and I don't have to pretend to like any body and I don't have to do things that I believe are unnecessary or ignorant. I am my own boss! Wow, that was liberating to say. Try it on for size some time it will either motivate you to make a move at least in your mind or it will depress the h*ll out of you. Hopefully not the latter.
Seriously I would encourage you to go ahead and at least think about it if you have ever had the feeling that you want to work for your self because there is nothing better than getting up in the morning knowing that you will be in control of your day. You may have to work your behind off but you will be self directed and that is worth so much more than all the prestige and position any job has to offer. Assuming that you have your ego some where other than out of control.
Did I ever tell you that I hate to go almost anywhere unless of course it is for me IE: entertainment, beautification or some other thing just so I can enjoy it. This working from home thing has been going on for about two years ever since I left my last employer over some abusive stuff. Topic for another blog. Suffice it to say that you have more rights than you know and you need to be aware of them or you will be walked on by those that would exploit your ignorance. Please don't get me going on this topic or we may be here all day.
I now spend my days tending to myself, my house, my kids and my husband, not necessarily in that order and I don't have to pretend to like any body and I don't have to do things that I believe are unnecessary or ignorant. I am my own boss! Wow, that was liberating to say. Try it on for size some time it will either motivate you to make a move at least in your mind or it will depress the h*ll out of you. Hopefully not the latter.
Seriously I would encourage you to go ahead and at least think about it if you have ever had the feeling that you want to work for your self because there is nothing better than getting up in the morning knowing that you will be in control of your day. You may have to work your behind off but you will be self directed and that is worth so much more than all the prestige and position any job has to offer. Assuming that you have your ego some where other than out of control.
Some people are anoyed by the fact t\hat their children come into their bedroom early in the morning and wake them up but I on the other hand enjoy the warmth of their bad breath as their excitment for the day shows through in their young faces.
It usually happens on Saturday morning because that is just about the only day that I ever sleep in. Other wise I am up at the crack of dawn, yes, that is a actual time. Look it up. The defination is "way earlier than I should be getting up".
My husband is one of those people that don't share my excitment for the early morning interuption of his sleep. We both work and he feels like we should enforce the ban on our bedroom until at least 10am but somehow I always seem to win out on this one and the children come bounding into our room on a regular saturday morning basis.
A funny thing about this ritual is that as exciting as it is, the excitment wains in about 20 seconds and often the kids end up laying down quitely next to us and falling back to sleep. It is like the rooster woke them up and said it is time to go wake up mommy and daddy and then you can go back to sleep for a few more hours or until they get up which ever comes first.
What ever the reason or the motivation I hope our Saturday morning ritual lasts for a long time. The truth is it will probably slip away as the kids get older and then one day I will wake up on Saturday morning and wonder why it never happens any more. After all in only a few years the kids will be teenagers anyway.
It usually happens on Saturday morning because that is just about the only day that I ever sleep in. Other wise I am up at the crack of dawn, yes, that is a actual time. Look it up. The defination is "way earlier than I should be getting up".
My husband is one of those people that don't share my excitment for the early morning interuption of his sleep. We both work and he feels like we should enforce the ban on our bedroom until at least 10am but somehow I always seem to win out on this one and the children come bounding into our room on a regular saturday morning basis.
A funny thing about this ritual is that as exciting as it is, the excitment wains in about 20 seconds and often the kids end up laying down quitely next to us and falling back to sleep. It is like the rooster woke them up and said it is time to go wake up mommy and daddy and then you can go back to sleep for a few more hours or until they get up which ever comes first.
What ever the reason or the motivation I hope our Saturday morning ritual lasts for a long time. The truth is it will probably slip away as the kids get older and then one day I will wake up on Saturday morning and wonder why it never happens any more. After all in only a few years the kids will be teenagers anyway.